The Year is 2020 and I Am Grieving
May 25 2020
This year, 2020 has certainly been a mark in everyone’s history. It will go down as a disaster of a year filled with tragedy, death, illness, quarantine and finding out both about ourselves and others and just how thoughtless or thoughtful we really are. People refuse to wear masks out in public. People refuse to shelter in place. People believe that if you are a good Christian you are immune to the Coronavirus. People don’t want any of their personal rights infringed upon, even if it costs others their lives. It has been appalling to watch our neighbors and friends divide. Social media allows people to make all of their political agendas known and thrown around as a way to disrespect all sorts of people. It has been a hard year and we are only in May.
My year started off really difficult, but I guess I was due for a year that kicked our ass. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a year I’ve wished would hurry up and end. For the last almost ten full years, I’ve entered each new year with an open heart, an open mind, setting clear intentions and not being drunk at the stroke of midnight. Many of those early years of the last ten were spent at a sweat lodge and a fire walk and a strong spiritual community to help create an honest existence from. But this year was different. Even before the virus came, I was faced with an extremely difficult loss. My dear friend who was both a mentor and one of my healing practitioners, we’ll call her “P” was murdered and left in cold blood and it was ruled a suicide in less than 24 hours. She had called me just six weeks before and warned me that she discovered basically the worst thing you could discover about somebody. She turned it into the GBI and they responded saying they were too busy to take her case. She went to her local sheriff and they told her she sounded paranoid and suggested she take medication.
She called me to let me know that someone had broken into her house. She said that they were after her and that if something should happen to her, it was not her who did it. It was them. She was found in early morning in another state at a park with a gun shot to her chest from her own 12 gauge. She didn’t weigh more than a hundred pounds and I don’t even think she had the arm span to shoot herself. Plus, she had this amazing little sexy body, never in a million years would she do anything to jeopardize the beauty she possessed. I know she didn’t do it. I also know if she were suicidal, she would have done a sweet simple injection and died peacefully in her own bed leaving notes behind for those she loved. When my dog was dying, she treated him and offered to do an injection of sodium chloride to gently stop his heart. That is the way she would have gone, possibly pills, but never a damage to her body. That is a truth I know without a single doubt. Plus, I know she did not kill herself.
The trouble is, these people are actual killers and they do unspeakable things to people. There is literally zero moral compass with these people. I can’t go screaming that she didn’t do this. I have a family to think about. I can’t afford to put myself on their radar. She warned me. She wanted me to stay back. I even resisted sending her a Christmas card this year because I did not want a photo of my children on her fridge. I didn’t send texts anymore with pictures of my girls for the same reason. She told me to stay back. Her long-time dear friend has taken the reigns. He’s hired people and he’s made a formal case to the GBI and maybe because he’s a man, maybe because he wasn’t shouting, I’m not sure why they are listening to him when they didn’t help her, but it is finally a currently opened case.
I did what I was meant to do and that was in working from the spirit side to help her get situated over there. That is a long and detailed story that does not fit on any mainstream type of writing, so I’ll keep that treasure to myself. I just know that she told me of this impending situation because I had a key part to play and I played it. I was having a lot of nightmares after her death. I sought the council of a therapist. Someone I’ve worked with over the years when life has taken hard turns. He helps me stay level and keep one foot in front of the other. I was happy that he was willing to see me via video session because I’ve moved an hour away from his office. This was just months before Covid-19 came in and everyone turned to video sessions.
That makes it easier to bring him with me as I move out of the country and continue to see him as needed. I think it’s vital right now to keep my mental health on track and I’ve never claimed it’s best to go it alone. I’m sad. I lost someone very dear to me. Our relationship had totally changed in the past year. It escalated and became contentious. Last January just a year before, I had a group of body workers and healers join me for a retreat to help with research for my last book. I booked the place closest to her house up in the mountains because she was the most important person on my list to attend.
Not terribly to my surprise, she got caught up and acted arrogant. She’s always had an issue with arrogance. It’s been an ongoing thing that I’ve held my tongue for years over. She corrects so many things that I say. She rephrases whatever statements I would make, as if I hadn’t put thought and intention in my words. Once I became a mother, I sort of grew into myself. I don’t allow people to belittle me the way I used to. I’ve had a habit for many years of playing down to my friends. I never want them to feel that I take anything away from their own shining light. I remember one friend being shocked at my birthday party how good I looked dressed up, and how much attention and love I had around me. It’s because I always allowed her to be the shining one and I allowed myself to be dull when I was near her. When it was my time to shine, I stepped into it, for her it was something new. For me, it was mostly the norm but only when I wanted it to be. I’m very good at shining and dulling as needed. It’s a gift and a curse; either way, it’s a skill I have honed well. Maybe it was from the days of being a collegiate cheerleader. We were paid to shine. I know how to turn it on, but I also know when to make myself invisible. My friend that I lost; she always loved my sexy. She never challenged my shine and I never challenged hers. She used to say she thought I was “randy”. I think she loved that about me. Plus, she was twenty years my senior. We complemented each other’s wave lengths; we did not tread on them except for verbal choices, not behaviors. That weekend though, she took it to a level and so did I. I totally lost it and unfortunately it was in front of the whole group.
While we were having dinner and beginning the talks into healing, I began asking really basic questions of what they perceive physical body treatments to be. She found my questions ridiculous, simple and silly and felt as if I was wasting their time. She also overrode a fellow colleague (who she met through me and dated for a few years) and insinuated that he did not know what he was talking about, either. It was getting heated. Then she looked at me and said the words that made me go into a full-on rage: “honey? Might I make a suggestion? GOOGLE could really be your friend here.” Everyone froze. The looks of “did she really just say what I think she said?” came over everyone’s face. It took about three minutes and then I went off like a volcano erupting. I showed her that I had already written 65,000 words for this book.
How dare her insinuate that I had done no research before this weekend! Did she think I was expecting for them to write the book for me as if I hadn’t written any other books before? I dropped cuss words right and left and yelled without any monitoring of my tone. It was bad. It was also years of pent up anger coming out in spews. It was liberating and embarrassing in equal measure. As my Naturopath said “I could not believe she said that. But then you tore her apart and made everyone uncomfortable and that was the end of that!” That pretty much sums up exactly how it went down. It was not pretty. I did not apologize. She did. I was livid. At the end of the night she was about to leave and she said something like “Emmy, I’m sorry you got so angry with me. I really did not mean to offend you.” I said something to the effect of “it’ll be fine.” She stepped up to me sweetly, and got super close to my face looking deeply into my eyes and let me know that yes, in fact, I was still angry with her. I asked her to give me a break, and reminded her that it was the same day. I told her we would be fine, but please give me some time. We hugged and she left. She started calling before 6 in the morning to get it worked out. We had never actually fought before. In almost 20 years of friendship, we had never ever fought before; not like that anyway.
Another friend said “has she been around you since you, you know, blossomed?” She was right. Motherhood made me blossom into a very self-assured, confident warrior of a woman. I did not take kindly to being shamed or belittled. Recovering my child out of an autism spectrum diagnosis brought an entirely new person out of me. I had to find my voice and become a strong advocate for my child. I did not back down anymore to anyone. My dear friend, we’ll call her “P” was one of the resources I used to help me along that path. She is someone I called often for advice and to help me understand certain things. She knew how hard I fought to earn who I was becoming. She just underestimated that it took over and reshaped all of me, not just the part that wanted my child to heal. She insisted we get it sorted out and put away by morning. I was not quite ready to hash it all out just yet so it became a back and forth of emailing. I pointed out her arrogance, she pointed out my aggressiveness. Then, we put it to bed. I only saw her a hand full of times the rest of the year. To me it would never be the same, but I still loved her and deeply respected the place she held in my life. I’ve learned more from her than probably anyone else I’ve ever known. I doubt she knows that though, because I did not do a good enough job articulating that to her. I know she knows that I love her. There was something still strong between us. I think she shared only with a very small number of people what was happening to her. It was important to her that I knew, and that I knew that should something happen to her, that it was not by her own will.
Going back to that weekend a year before, I did however, on the first night of our weekend, give everyone special handmade necklaces that were made by a friend who meditated on each person and created stones based on her intuition. Then she sent with each necklace a letter about the energy they exude and why she chose each stone. I also wrote each person a letter about what they mean to me before I gave them their gift bags, so at least there is that. I did share some of what she has always meant to me.
Here is what I know to be true: I will miss her dearly for the rest of my life. I am so sad that her trying to do the right thing and stand up for what’s right cost her life. I would love to see justice served to those people. I also know it will not be me running through the streets screaming their names. I have to put my family first and that is exactly why she expressly told me to stay back. When she called to warn me, she asked one thing of me and that was to go get my girls metal whistles and make them wear them in public places. That way if anyone tried to take them, they could blow their whistle since so many children freeze and their voices don’t work. I did buy those whistles, but not until after her death. Now we keep them in the car and they do wear them as we travel anywhere. They will wear them as we travel through the airports and on the plane to Malta. I’m sure they will be flagged going through the scan, and I will have to explain it, but I will certainly be willing to do so.
I’ve been in deep grief and yet I left this little BS post about her passing. Something like “the world lost a great one and that I hoped she was dancing in the light.” I did not share the cause of death, but I could not stand by and agree to it being a suicide either. So, I settled on something like “a tragic death.” It was hard to watch as people believe she killed herself. They would write things like “she healed everyone but herself” which made me nuts. I found myself writing comments like “what makes you think she did this to herself?” and then I would promptly delete it before posting anything at all.
I do not feel peaceful with her death in any way. Not any of it. Some people believe that no matter the circumstance of death, that you are immediately at peace on the other side. I wish I could believe that sincerely, but I do not. I do not feel her soul is at peace in any capacity. I feel her wanting to get this straightened out. She is pushing her friend to fight it. She has let me know in meditation that in this area I am to be no part of it, and to stay back and keep away from it. She knows I have to protect my children and myself. I’m no good to my kids if they take me out. I did not attend the memorial for her. That was a really hard decision. I do know that she hates funerals and memorials and also skips them but shows up for the celebration of life following. They only had a celebration of life in this case, but I could not go. I just could never look her dad in the face and agree to the load of shit they’ve been fed that this was self-inflicted. I just can not in good faith lie for her; especially when I know the truth and her truth is so much more powerful than this as her way to go down.
I’ve been keeping my head up and trying to walk the path and promote the release of my new book and at the same time working on the next one. One released and the next was due within a month of each other. The book release was May 8 and the new manuscript that will release next year is due June 1. I’ve enjoyed having that outlet to dive into. I needed it and it came at just the right time. Now, I’m preparing for a world move and she would be the friend the most excited for this adventure. Our last talk she told me she was ready to leave the country and was going to prepare to make the move to Belize. You don’t make those plans if you are suicidal. It’s hard to keep your smiling face on social media as you’re grieving behind closed doors. I guess a lot of people do it. That makes me sad for them…and for me, too.
I called my therapist partly because no one wanted to indulge me in this conversation because everyone became afraid that I was being followed and they were listening in. No one wanted to have that conversation and I don’t blame them. But it is real and it is happening and I am still grieving. Although currently I’ve hit a different place of complete denial. I just can’t believe it anymore. It doesn’t make any sense to me. It can’t be real. I know it’s real. It just can’t be real. I’m in that place. I’m doing the best I can with it. It hurts. I am tortured trying to understand when they got her, what they did to her, how she wound up in another state in a park, how her car got there, why the camera she had set up in her home facing the front door, the card was removed, why her lockbox for her gun was tampered with, how her blood card to test for toxicology that is supposed to be on file for one year to do any testing has already been destroyed within two weeks of her death, how a video that she had in her car shows days to weeks up to her death, then goes blank until the next morning when a family member gets in the car to drive it home from the impound lot or whatever lot they take a car to.
Most of all, I question how no one sees this as a blatant murder crime scene. These are the other things that keep me up at night. At least moving to Malta, my late-night questions are out of a place of excitement. These late-night questions plague me. Even though I am not running away from my life here, there is a freedom in escaping this trauma of losing someone dear to me. I will miss her dearly as my life continues forward without her in it. I feel sad for so many people that don’t get to have her, including my own children. The world really was a better place with her in it. She has saved me a million times with her practice of healing treasures. She taught me so much. She even gave me her office to share with her as soon as I finished massage school. We alternated days. She mentored me. She taught me so many things. We explored healing worlds together. Our relationship was built on bettering ourselves and learning all that we could in the name of healing. We explored together and we explored separately and shared our experiences. We supported each other and loved each other.
She came to my yoga teacher training graduation weekend at the ashram and stayed all weekend. She made food for us, and joined us in practice. It was so beautiful. She was the only person, along with my family, that was there for my massage school graduation. She was so good to me. She supported me and my path so well. She taught me how to love being a woman. She was almost all yin in her energy. So feminine. I had never embraced my sacred feminine before I met her. I did not realize the incredible magic that it means to be a woman. It was because of her that I can teach my children young to love and embrace their yin, their strength, their beauty, their power.