I am in Passport Hell

The morning following the offer on our house, I called the passport office to see where we were at and could I speed it up. I actually just called inquiring about our passport renewals and it appears that it will take “months” to get their offices back and running and Georgia has not been back as of yet. There is no time table and they cannot give us back our old passports and can’t give us any idea when we will have them. According to the woman on the line it will be “months” at least.

Of course, this changes everything and now we are looking at Scott and the animals heading to Malta and me and the girls stuck here living at my mother’s house until our passports arrive. We could end up in the local elementary school at my moms before we can even get over to Malta. Which also means all the school wait lists mean nothing over there because we may not get there in time to even begin school. This is like my mother’s dream come true that me and the girls stay and live with her while my husband and animals go live someplace else. We can’t even throw money to anyone to speed it up because the operation centers are still closed. We have a governor who opened the state early and yet, the passport offices still haven’t opened? WE ARE SCREWED. I can’t believe it. I really just cannot believe it.

After talking with another agent and getting the forwarding address changed to my mothers, it appears that only Scott and the animals will be flying to Malta and me and the girls will be here without a leaving date, or a passport for the unforeseeable future and living with my mother. He and the pets will fly out and live in Malta. We will stay behind and I will have to fly my children for their first flight ever in their life and pretend to be excited and show up in a foreign airport where English is not spoken and figure out change flights and fly with them into Malta alone. This is my nightmare. What in the hell where we thinking renewing our passports during a friggen pandemic? We did it in April! How did we think that this would not happen? How could we not have seen this coming? I feel completely helpless and so upset not having any idea now when we will be able to get out and even if they somehow arrive in time, we no longer will have a flight scheduled so either way, we will have to figure it out and fly out alone just me and my girls and pray we don’t get kidnapped and sold into slavery because that is real and my girls are blonde and beautiful and a sex traders dream and I will not be able to handle luggage and children on my own.

I am full on manic at this point. We will now be moving in with my mother indefinitely and Scott will go ahead with the move with him and the pets. We have no idea when we will be allowed to join. I have no idea what to do about school there as we can no longer meet or interview and all the schools ask for somewhere in the $500-$1,000 range for an application fee without any hint that we will be accepted. Everything I’ve dreamed of seems to be crumbling down and very quickly. I feel totally deflated and so much less excited about any of it. The idea of being at my mother’s for more than the two weeks, I cannot do it. I can’t have her in my ear trying to direct what to do and how terrible I am at making decisions. I can’t have her dictating to me that home schooling is stupid and that I would be horrible at it, even though I learned to do it this year, she hates it. I have no idea what to do and have no access to information. I have no clue when they will open back up and get back to work. Most of the country is back to work. Why are the government agencies not back at it? What if the borders close again and we can’t get out? I’ve wanted my chance for so long about learning a new culture and life in another country that valued well-care over sick-care. This feels like the time in the movie when the foreshadowing music begins and we realize that all the plans we are making are about to blow up in our faces.

I have a theory…actually I have a theory on just about every subject. I believe that when you commit to making a significant change, that the Universe conspires with you to test your resolve in that change. You will be tested. How committed are you to this choice? You take a new job? Your old one offers you a raise. You break up and decide to move? Your lover returns trying to win you back. It happens all the time. I am being tested. The first book expo that I had saved up an entire year for ended up booking the plane ticket for the wrong time am/pm and would cancel me out of the show. I had to depend on my sister to give me her credit card and rebook the flight less than 24 hours before leaving. My friend who lost their option on it, bailed out of that show. I made it happen. It kicked my ass but I made it happen. Going there introduced me to Melanie and years later Melanie would be the reason I had my first book with Llewellyn. Had I not complied into the Universe’s testing, I would have failed and lost out on big things. I know that I am being tested and for the record I am pissed about it!

June 12, 2020

It’s the next day. I spent all day long yesterday acting like such a brat. Today I decided to try it again. God told me to trust this process and yesterday, I chose not to. Today I’m changing my tune. I called the passport office, not actually the office but at least the hotline about passports. I asked if I could get my passport back and my children’s too along with our original birth certificates because they were not actually expired. They said it would take the same amount of time to get all that back and cancel it out as it would to renew so to hang tight. Yesterday they opened 11 offices. I did not understand that context so today I asked the basic question of 11 out of how many? He said out of 26 passport agencies total. This gives me hope. I’ve decided this IS going to work, we are going to get it all on time and I will work with myself regarding trusting this whole process.

One thing I have learned is that I really want this new life. I want this opportunity. Whether it asks me to brave, I choose brave. I want this. I want it for myself and I want it for my family. I was scrolling through Instagram and I have tons of Malta pages I follow now. I follow the buildings, the foods, the sea. I saw a beautiful lagoon photo of Malta and all I could think was Oh Malta, how I look forward to getting the chance to fall in love with you.

And that’s when I realized it. It is there and waiting for my family to come and make a new life with it.  Maybe it’s exactly where I was always meant to be. Maybe all those years ago when I was young and my Dad and I watched the movie Popeye and the little sweet village that didn’t look real, that IS actually real and IS actually in Malta, maybe it was speaking to me back then even! Maybe it said “Emily, some day you will move here and you will live near me and come and visit me, and you will be happy, and feel healthy and alive.”

The Mediterranean sea is calling to me. I want to experience its waters. I want to know if it’s saltier or less salty. The colors look so deep blue. It’s so different than the Caribbean Sea. The Caribbean is almost see through. It’s light, clear, barely blue and turquoise. It’s stunning. When I am in that water, which has happened a couple times in my life, I feel free, healthy and so alive. What will it feel like in this new unexplored part of the world for me? What will the water taste like? What will the air smell like and feel like? What will this new life be like? More than any fear, more than any apprehension and scary thoughts, the bigger thoughts emerge and float up: YES. I AM READY. I am ready to fall in love with Malta. I am ready to move with an open mind, an open heart and a fantabulous attitude. I will move expecting good things instead of always worrying about all the things that could go wrong. This is happening. I am ready to fall in love with you, Malta. I really, and truly am. I feel your whisper and your call. I am ready to be able to respond.

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