30 Days to Be Out

30 days to be out

Today we bought suitcases, the biggest ones we could find. On the plane we will check one large bag each and bring a carry-on suitcase and a backpack. We will ship some boxes but that could be months before they arrive. I was stopped on the street by a sweet grandmother neighbor who always walks her little dog. We always chat when we see each other. She does not speak perfect English, but she is good at being able to get her point across. She is Japanese.

Today she stopped me and asked how I felt about moving to a foreign country. I told her I thought it would be humbling and I was looking forward to it. I’ve always had great respect for those that were brave enough to go in search of a new life and have to take on learning another language. I have more respect now at the bravery that it really entails. I always wanted an opportunity like this, but I also always assumed I would take my mother with me wherever I went.

I somehow thought that people that could move across the country or internationally were somehow not as close to their family as I was to mine. I realize now that you can still be close to your family, or even dependent on them and still find and summon the inner strength to do it anyway. I realize for me at this time in my life, that my desire for this new life outweighs the fears and the attachments that I leave here. I also finally realize that I am the mother to my family and that role is more valuable and important than the role of being an adult daughter and sister. It doesn’t negate my role as a mother and sister, but it does make me value the roles more as wife and mother. That is my priority. I’m not leaving people behind. I am choosing me, choosing us, this family. The rest can come and stay in our downstairs apartment for as long as their passports allow!

I do think it will be quite humbling to start completely new at 45 years old and make new friends and be more open to accepting help and support from people that are not my family. I also realize that my mother really loves to rule the roost, even my roost. She always thinks she knows better than me on decisions made for my children. It will be nice to find people who are willing to support us and even love us without the agenda that they are able to somehow be in charge over us. It has take a lifetime to try to become the lead role over my life. It has taken years of work on choosing how I speak to myself and others; most notably to my children.

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