Still no Details

June 17, 2020

Our house is under contract. They want the majority of the furniture which is bittersweet. We gave them way too good of a price and they hit the jack pot. It also means we can’t hire the estate company because there is not enough to work with on selling. They want our whole bedroom set except for the actual bed and frame. They want the dressers and end tables. It’s been interesting and difficult to start getting rid of so many things all at once. It’s also liberating to walk away from so much stuff.

The passport deal is incredibly stressful and there is no information to be found. I wake up daily and call the passport offices, the national hotline and ask basically all the same questions over and over hoping to get any sort of clarity. No one is positive or willing to give me any glimmer of hope beyond “months”. Today the lady told me that my passport office should have told us not to do it and that they were already shut down in April. That would have been mighty helpful, but they did no such thing. I’m constantly thinking about my animals and praying none of them die on the flights. I am so worried for all of them. We are flying Lufthansa, the pet shippers said they are the absolute best to transport pets with, so I’m trusting that. The pet shippers assured me that they have been doing this for years and never had an animal parish. I really do not want our babies to be the ones to be first on their list. My pets are very nervous around travel and they won’t know what is happening to them. We have the new little dog beds for their kennels out on the floor and we are all laying on them so that when the time comes, they will recognize our scent.

The whole thing is so stressful and so incredibly exciting. I can’t wait to be there and know that we all made it safely. Not having any idea at this point when me and the girls can go feels like we are in this strange holding pattern and we may have to let Scott and the animals go without us. That then leads to my next set of fears that the borders will close again and we will be separated for a long time. I’m grateful for my family who is willing to let us stay with them. At the same time, I feel like I’m working really hard to be brave and make such a bold move and living with my mother only instills fear thoughts and behaviors in me and I cannot afford to allow those into my field. She would love for us to be stuck at her house and the animals and husband be over in Malta. She made that statement a few weeks ago when me and the girls were staying over for the night and she said “what if you get there and 6 months later you don’t like it, can you come home?” I replied with “Scott can’t leave his job.” She followed it with “well, you could leave him and the animals there and you and the girls could come home and live at Ya Ya’s house!” it was one of those I totally mean this but I’m going to say it in a way that sounds semi-cute.

I need this for all of us. Living on the other side of the city has provided a buffer between us and we have gotten very used to being just our immediate family here, especially during this Covid-19 lockdown. This is my home and this is my family and it doesn’t make my mother any less family, but it does mean that she should not have a louder voice than my partner does in my thoughts and ability to make decisions.

I’m feeling overwhelmed. I know I need some sort of big release. There is too many thoughts and too much energy inside me and I haven’t done a god job of balancing it all. Because I keep the brave face on it makes the feelings taper down into myself instead of finding a way to let them out and escape. When I get like this I know that I need to watch a super sad movie and have a really big cry. The problem with that is that my name happens to be Mom. Mom is used about a thousand times all throughout the day, so sitting in a room alone and crying my eyes out would be very alarming to my girls. By 9:00 pm I am sleeping hard and then I wake up usually around 2:30 until 4-5ish and then go back to bed for an hour or two. I feel like I’m only half present to most things right now. My mind is racing, always hoping for a shred of confirmation that everything we are doing will all work out well and in a timely manner.

I asked the passport lady today if she could tell me which state my papers are in and if I drove to the passport office, could I just have all my papers back. She told me they would not let me in the building. I’m quickly turning into a passport stalker. It’s daunting. No one is willing to help me and even if they are willing, no one seems to even be able to. I just want our passports back. They were not expired. They were going to expire this year but not now. Had we left well enough alone we would be booked and on the official countdown to Malta. As it stands, Scott and the pets are getting booked and getting their countdown. We don’t even know if we should book the flights with them and pray hard that the renewed papers show up in time, or if we just let it go by and have no end in sight on when we can go. I feel so out of sync with the energy that has been behind this whole move. Everything else has lined up and taken care of itself in a pretty straightforward manner. This is the pandemic though and even though my state opened early, the government offices remain closed.

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